4+4 = an eight letter word.

So here's why hope is a four letter word and why, if added to another four letter word, it becomes an eight letter word meaning: Fuck.

Way back when... in Ireland. I sort of, kind of, found out I was passed on by a show that I really and truly wanted on. But, here's the thing: I didn't think I had a hope in hell of getting on it, so I had zero hope. Not even a little. When I finally got the news (weeks later), I already'd guessed that I hadn't gotten on it. And, it didn't hurt at all. Not even a little. And, that was a show I loved loved loved.

So, now we're in the middle of pilot season. And, I had drinks with a shark and my friends last week. I got to see the inner workings of an agent's mind. And, it scared the shit out of me. Around the same time, maybe a bit earlier, I'd started feeling that tiny bit of hope. It was after the meeting that had gone swimmingly well. "I might," I thought, "just be able to pull off getting on staff and getting my husband to stay."

There's a pit, right next to the Hope pit, it's pretty big. It started growing like a cancer after meeting Alice. Because these sharks are circling the waters. They've got clients who have better resumes than mine. They've got clients with better scripts than mine. They've got better connections than me -- or Bob. So, this pit has been growing all weekend, being fed by the vomit draft.

I just got an email from Bob. One of the pilots passed on me. A pilot where I had an in. A pilot where one of my idols (who happens to be a friend) is going to be working. Now, I could call said idol friend, and see if he could put in a good word for me. I don't make those calls. Or, if I'm forced to, I pick and choose who to ask favors from. And I've already asked him for a favor this year. I don't want to be a pest.

Besides, a really bad thing has happened: I had hope.

I know, I know. It's all going to work out. And, normally, I'd be fine. But there's that malignant cyst-like pit, it also has a name:

"Hopeless"

And just when things were going so well...