The Shark and The Writer

Sometimes writers need a reality check. Sometimes it's better not knowing what machinations are happening behind the velvet curtain. Ignorance can, at times, be better than bliss.

Which brings me to last night's extremely uncomfortable drinks excursion.

Once upon a time, in a land called Hollywood, I'd made plans to meet with an agent acquaintance. She'd passed on me (which is not coloring my view on the sitch in any way, seriously), but did so kindly. We ended up hitting it off, and seemed poised to become friends. Lots of phone calls, lots of emails. Nearly exchanged IMs (I now know that I dodged a bullet there). Seriously, this gal seemed great. I know this is a busy time, so I made plans for a couple of friends to meet me at the same bar after this "meeting," figuring Agent Acquaintance would have better things to do with her evening. Like, her hair.

So, Agent Acquaintance, we'll call her Alice, and I meet up at an uber hip bar, filled to the brim with starlets and studlets. Conversation is very stilted at first. I'm a fairly outgoing, easy to chat with person. So, I try to draw her out, whilst wondering if this is how Alice is at the beginning of all meetings (even though this is not technically a meeting). It's just a little off-putting. But, I figure it'll get better once she's plied with some alcohol (she ordered a Bud Light -- not that there's anything wrong with that)...

It does get more comfortable a few Domestic Light Beers in. I'm relieved. We start touching on various topics, but the conversation inevitably leads to staffing season. See, she's got this client that she's dying to get on a show. Apparently, this client's hot shit right now, and has some spec that allegedly has the town talking (allegedly, because I've only heard this from Alice).

It gets to 8:30 pm. And, I realize my friends should be milling around this bar. There doesn't seem to be a graceful way to exit this "meeting," and Alice doesn't seem to need to get to any place fast, like the hair stylist. So, after much internal debating, I invite Alice to join me in meeting my friends. She's hip to that.

But, I warn her, I'd really prefer that she not talk about the show she's trying to get her client on, because my friend's lobbying to get on that show at the same level. My friend was in a Fellowship a while back, and his mentor and he still keep in touch. In fact, said mentor and he had a meeting not too long ago with a couple other execs, and this mentor and the execs all agreed: They really wanted to get my friend on this show.

Alice had mentioned that she'd spoken to the exec who's overseeing this pilot, we'll call it, "Studio Betty with Secrets in a Small Companytown Splitting a Decision on a Runaway." Sure to be a smash hit. Said exec happens to be my friend's former mentor. Perhaps I'm very naive. Actually, I am. But, at that moment, I saw no harm in our conversation. We were just talking about this great pilot and how we wanted people we knew on it. Little did I know that we were having a totally different conversation.

But, I knew if this show, or Alice's client were brought up, there could be a lot of awkwardness (we writers are sensitive). And, I'm all about avoiding the awkwardness, so I asked Alice not to bring up the former Fellowship, or the show, or her client, or...

Alice and I go meet my friends, Josh (not his real name, but the Fellowship guy) and Stacy (not her real name, who was also in said Fellowship). Josh and Stacy have procured some prime real estate for starlet-gawking. I was impressed. So, Alice and I sit down, order some more drinks. (What is up with this woman's love for domestic beers?) I make the introductions. And before Josh can get his name out,

ALICE: Have you guys read: Studio Betty with Secrets in a Small Companytown Splitting a Decision on a Runaway?

Seriously. She said this. I forced my jaw off the floor, back to its rightful place, and desperately try to steer the conversation away from this topic, whilst fuming at Alice. Josh has no idea of the subtext of this conversation, so is happy to talk about his favorite pilot, the show he's trying to get on.

I finally get the conversation to some innocuous, completely mundane topic, and I breathe a sigh of relief. This only lasts about 30 seconds, however because,

ALICE: So, Josh, tell me about your Fellowship. How did it work? Are they planning on staffing you on anything, or is it all over?

JOSH: Well, it's been over for a while now, but my mentor --

ALICE (interrupting): DAISY MCDUKERSON?

Forcing my jaw back again, I just stare at Alice. She continues to shoot rapid fire questions at Josh. And Josh seems quite happy to answer the questions, clearly thinking Alice is just interested in the Fellowship. But, I know she's not. She's getting ammo. She wants her client on "Studio Betty with Secrets in a Small Companytown Splitting a Decision on a Runaway." And, she's sussing out what her client's competition is. Yeah, Alice is threatened, I'm happy to note.

But, I'm just sitting there, agog, watching all of this go down. Feeling quite guilty because it's kind of my fault that I've brought these two people together. Alice knows exactly what she's doing. And figures out pretty quickly that I'm pretty pissed off. So, belly full of piss water masquerading as beer, Alice takes her leave. I'm happy to see the back of her, her Dorsal fin discreetly hidden underneath her Armani suit.

I then proceed to tell Josh and Stacy exactly what had transpired under their noses. They're shocked and appalled (and I'm very grateful that Josh isn't pissed at me). Stacy and I convince Josh that he's got to call or email his agent and his mentor and those execs immediately. Of course, we're all drunk by this point, but have enough sense to know it's the weekend and that Josh is probably better off strategizing when he's a tad more sober.

I totally get that this is Alice's job. And, I realize I'm just a chick from the midwest who dumbly expects people out here to behave like the nice folks from back home (apologizing to the person who's just bumped into you -- without irony). Even though I've been out here for something like 11 years now. I've still got my midwest naivete. I'd really like to not lose it, because it's a huge part of who I am. But it's nights like last night that make me a little more jaded than I want to be.

I'm now going to be calling every single person I've ever met to rally towards getting Josh on, "Studio Betty with Secrets in a Small Companytown Splitting a Decision on a Runaway."

Fuck Alice.