I just couldn't get past the contest world. And there was a huge thing that happened. That I've never really gotten over. It's one of the reasons I agreed to go to Ireland, because in Ireland there was no pressure -- I couldn't make it as a US TV writer in Ireland, so there was no point in trying. Of course, that only lasted six months. But then there was this that and the other. All kinds of excuses. All kinds of me saying shit like, "I think I know why that thing affected me so much." I've made all kinds of excuses, I was too young, I wouldn't have appreciated it, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere anyway...
Turns out, I do know why that thing affected me so much. I got fired. From a career-making job. And I'm fucking terrified I'll get fired again. I'm terrified I'll never work in this town in my chosen field. I really really really really really really want to work in television. Like, I'd give my husband's right arm to do so. But there's always that nagging fear that the scary little voices whisper to me, "You'll probably get fired."
This is why I'm currently at a place in my life where I'm about to essentially work my way up -- starting from the mailroom. But, I didn't just graduate from college. I'm not 22. I'm 21+ a lot more than one. And I'm trying really really really hard to slap a smile on my face and be the "yes ma'am, no sir" person. I'm keeping my head down, I'm doing good work (I know because I got some mad praise and was over the moon about it) and I'm completely stressed out. And I need to find a way to not be stressed out that isn't cigarettes (which I've been sneaking).
Jesus fucking christ. I sound like a total ingrate. I've worked really hard to get to this bottom-feeder position. Which is a step above below-the-bottom-feeder position I currently work in. Very quickly it could potentially become a step above that (hope's a four letter word). I've done some extra work to make myself stand out, and it's been noticed. And I've been honest with folks about my end game (not the one with the shotgun; the one where I become a TV writer and get paid for the privilege) and they've seemed to appreciate it. So I've worked hard for this. And I'm just coming to realize that I've got a long way to go. But I'm not ungrateful, cuz I worked my ass off to get where I am today (which is barely anywhere). And I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm just tired.